A refresher course on the Golden Rules of Punting. If only I could remember them.

Here I am again. Appealing to those remaining brain cells to get their act together.

The Spring Carnival is all but upon us. And I have no idea what to do.

The most successful punters have rules, that they stick to solidly. The rest of us muddle through, trying to recall what didn’t work last year.

Time and again, I get it wrong. Because I remember nothing. None of the clever practices that may have picked up a dollar. And none of the crazy decisions that left me with no bus fare.

It means I make the same mistakes, time and again. And it drives me nuts.

What do I do with a heavy track? We only get one a year in sunny Queensland. And when it arrives, I’m at a loss.

Lightweights? Mud-loving sires? Greys? Or is it greys carrying a postage stamp with an Irish dad?

Can a champion win first up? Do I back the best regardless? Does class always beat arse? Do I ignore trainers saying their meal ticket is only at 70%?

What about apprentices? What did I decide all those years ago? (Actually, this one I remember. Take 3 kilos off, put 4 kilos on).

Someone told me something about favourites in big races at the start of the Carnival. It was either they always win, or they always get dusted. We may have been sharing refreshments at the time. If it was you, please, put me out of my misery.

I came up with an incredibly clever theory about the Cups, foreign horses and lead-up races. It made so much sense, I jotted it down on a coaster. It’s never been seen again.

When do Sydney horses win in Melbourne? First week, or last week? It’s one or the other. Someone must know.

You will have your own punting theories. Take a tip. If they work, tattoo them on your forehead.

As punters, we live and die by rules. It’s time I got serious, and started making a record of them. Financial success depends on it. Pass me that coaster.

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