It’s back! The ultimate Cup guide. Who won’t win, and is Warwick Capper really a jockey?

November 5, 2012

So here we go again. Last year’s guide to our greatest race was such a hit, you’ve demanded a repeat. You really need a hobby.

Remember my tip last year? No? Good. Surely we can’t have such bad luck again.

Our team of researchers went through a box of cool drinks to help you sound like an expert on Cup day.

If you’re named below, apologies. If you’re my lawyer, stay close to the phone.

Dunaden – Craig Williams. Has won everything bar Big Brother. That run of luck is about to end. The French horse will think Williams has been replaced by Santa Claus he’s carrying so much weight.

Americain – Damien Oliver – Won’t win. This French favourite isn’t getting better with age. The booking of Oliver is a plus, as opposed to last year’s jockey, Mister Magoo.

Jakkalberry – a bloke named Colm you’ve never heard of. One of those international types with no chance. Couldn’t beat me up the straight. Aren’t you glad we invite them here?

Red Cadeaux – Michael Rodd. The winner. Do you have a tin of cash hidden in the backyard? Dig it up, shake the dirt off, and head straight to the TAB. You can pass on my ten per cent later.

Winchester – Jamie Mott. A slow American horse who’ll still be running when they start the presentation. Out of a mare called Rum Charger. What a shame.

Voila Ici – Vlad Duric. A visitor from Italy now trained here, who couldn’t win if they gave him a lap head start.

Cavalryman – Frankie Dettori. Why did they bother bringing him? Frankie obviously wanted a holiday. He’ll have plenty of time to check out the sights before, during and after the race.

Mount Athos – Ryan Moore. A big danger. Plenty of good judges have already backed this bloke. A prolific winner in Europe, still on the improve. If you’re running the sweep, slip this one into your back pocket.

Sanagas – Nick Hall. Another American, now trained by Bart. Cummings, not Simpson. Unless the great man is permitted to strap NASA-style rockets to his tail, there’ll be no 13th Cup win.

Ethiopia – Rhys McLeod. A decent run in the Cox Plate. Which is lucky for connections, because it will be the only thrill they’ll receive this carnival.

Fiorente – James McDonald. An English horse now with Gai. I’m sure I heard her say he could be the greatest horse ever to be saddled. Or something similar. Actually, that could have been any one of her horses. Will over-achieve if he finishes top twenty.

Galileo’s Choice – Pat Smullen. My best roughie. Dermot Weld has been aiming at the Cup for twelve months. The canny Irishman and his camp have been playing their chances down since they arrived. That should set alarm bells ringing. Big chance at even bigger odds.

Glencadam Gold – Tommy Berry. Another one from Gai. Likely leader. If they give a ribbon for the horse in front after 1600 metres, he might be successful. That also makes him a distinct chance of running last.

Green Moon – Brett Prebble. Failed in the Cox Plate. Injured, and blowing out with the bookies. Nothing like confidence.

Maluckyday – Jim Cassidy. Runner up two years ago. Not many ride the two miles better than the Pumper. A chance to be the top Aussie home. There should be a prize for that.

Mourayan – Hugh Bowman. Terrible luck last year, because some idiot who writes smart-arse Cup guides tipped him. Of course, he was scratched hours later. I’ll never live that down. Good luck to all concerned this year.

My Quest for Peace – Corey Brown. The only horse to sing before the Queen. And did a tap dance at the opening ceremony for the London Olympics. In horse-shoes. Only has to repeat that here and could figure in the finish.

Niwot – Warwick Capper. Interesting choice of jockey. Keep an eye out for what he’s wearing during the National Anthem.

Tac de Boistron – who cares. The name means ‘French Arrogance’ in English. As in, let’s send any old plodder to take on those bums down under.

Lights of Heaven – Luke Nolen. My Caulfield Cup tip, and what a race she ran. I’d be happy for her to win this, so I could see Peter Moody drinking XXXX Gold during the Cup handover.

Precedence – Jim Pike. Not many people know that Bart actually ran this horse in the 1958 Melbourne Cup. Great that’s he’s still with us, and has all his original teeth.

Unusual Suspect – one of the scientists from Beauty and the Geek. If you get this one in a sweep, rip it up on the spot. At least those around you will think you know something about racing.

Zabeelionaire – Donald Trump. Are we finished yet? I’m running out of paper.

Kelinni – Glen Boss. The best jockey in the field. Sadly, he’s not on a horse to match. No Makybe Diva moments coming this year for Bossy.

So there we have it. Feel free to share this with friends, and people you want to annoy.

Remember, gamble responsibly. Meaning, if my tips win, you have a responsibility to give me money. Good luck to us all.

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Finally, the official mug punter’s Melbourne Cup guide. By the biggest mug punter of them all.

October 31, 2011

Are you being laughed at for your lack of Melbourne Cup knowledge? Kids being teased at school because mum and dad missed the barrier draw? Friend, help is at hand.

Face it, we all want to back the Cup winner. Even for a dollar. Bragging rights can last for years.

You need something easy to digest, with no punches pulled. And here it is. The first annual Hold All Tickets Melbourne Cup guide.

I hear scornful giggles. Fair enough, my Cup record isn’t flash. Before the great Makybe Diva, we go back to Kiwi in 1983. There may have been one or two in between, but my memory of Cup afternoons is hazy at best.

Anyway, here we go. A highly researched document, some of which may or may not have been made up.

1/ Americain – Gerald Mosse (jockey). Won last year. Won’t win this year. Too much weight. And I can’t pronounce the trainer’s name.

2/ Jukebox Jury – Neil Callan. Big wraps overseas, but has never raced here. Would be like backing Meat Loaf to sing at a footy grand final. As if that would happen.

3/ Dunaden – Craig Williams (appeal pending), or some French bloke. Not for me. Won the Geelong Cup, now a popular form race. Except Geelong’s population is the same as Ipswich. I won’t be backing the Ipswich Cup winner either.

4/ Drunken Sailor – Dwayne Dunn. Nope. But anything with ‘drunk’ in the title on Cup day is worth a cheer.

5/ Glass Harmonium – Lisa Cropp. Should be leading early. Will be overtaken like there’s a sniper in the Flemington grandstand about 600 metres from home.

6/ Manighar – Damien Oliver. No chance. Only because he was my initial tip. Even the great D. Oliver won’t overcome that hurdle.

7/ Unusual Suspect – Nash Rawiller (appeal pending), or any small bloke with riding boots. A visitor from the U-S. Not even with help from NASA.

8/ Fox Hunt – Silvestre de Sousa. I think the jockey played for Portugal in the soccer World Cup. Can someone check that for me?

9/ Lucas Cranach – Corey Brown. Great run in the Caulfield Cup. And that was on three legs. Fully fit now. Will give this a shake. (Note, that’s a racing term).

10/ Mourayan – Hugh Bowman. The winner. Go and collect now. Order the Chinese for Tuesday night. Bowman’s riding so well he could go out on a rocking horse and still run a place.

11/ Precedence – Darren Beadman. Bart’s best hope. The horse hasn’t won since Bob Hawke was Prime Minister. Will have support from above.

12/ Red Cadeaux – Michael Rodd. The jockey is a Queenslander. At least that’s something.

13/ Hawk Island – Glyn Schofield. Couldn’t win if he started an hour early.

14/ Illo – Jim Cassidy. German horse, trained by Bart, and ridden by jockey who has won the Cup twice. No third time lucky.

14/ (a) – Mister Ed – Wilbur. Would give the best post-race interview ever. Might be a bit old now.

15/ Lost in the Moment – William Buick. Has all the pace of me striding home from an afternoon at the tavern. Possibly with better steering.

16/ Modun – Kerrin McEvoy. Jockey is another winning plenty of late. Just as well, because he won’t be saluting here.

17/ At First Sight – Steven King. Two jockeys tossed a coin to ride him. Nice throwback to ANZAC tradition. That gives him a chance.

18/ Moyenne Corniche – Brett Prebble. My outsider. Saw him score an amazing win in the UK before he came over. Jockey knows his way around the big track. Include him in multiples. (Note – another racing term).

19/ Saptapadi – Chris Symons. If you get him in a sweep you’ll get your money back for last. They might have to delay the start of the next race he’ll be so far back.

19/ (a) Phar Lap – Jim Pike. He’d lap this lot. God bless the mighty horse.

20/ Shamrocker – Luke Nolen. Black Caviar’s jockey. He’ll notice the difference.

21/ The Verminator – Craig Newitt. When did the Wyong Cup winner claim the Melbourne Cup? On the First of Never, that’s when.

22/ Tullamore – Chris Munce. Brisbane Cup winner. Queensland jockey. Trained by Gai. Will try his heart out.

23/ Niwot – Dean Yendall. Made the field with a slashing win last Saturday. Stranger things have happened.

24/ Older Than Time – Tim Clark. And will take his time to finish. Hopefully before sundown.

So, there we have it. You are now a Cup expert. Feel free to pass these expert comments on. Go and have fun taking on colleagues who pretend they know what they’re talking about.

Time now to look at the rest of the day’s races. Does anyone know if that Portuguese soccer player is riding in the last?

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