The official Melbourne Cup Guide for Mug Punters. Can Barack Obama win at Flemington?

November 2, 2015

No idea what to back in the Cup? Sick of workmates laughing at your lame attempts to sound horse-hip? Fear not fellow mug punters. Help is at hand.

The official Hold All Tickets Melbourne Cup Guide for Mug punters will answer all your questions. One read, and you’ll be the expert at the lunch table. The guru at the work canteen. Hell, you might even win something!

As well as a detailed look at every runner in the field, you’ll also receive fascinating racing insights, to improve your performance when the talk comes to racing. All this, for the small price of buying me a drink the next time you see me. Cup winners may even consider two.

So here we go. Pens at the ready. Good luck!

(Publisher’s note – there is every chance alcohol is involved in the formation of this so-called guide. Anyone who follows this fool’s ramblings needs to have a look at themselves).

1/ Snow Sky – Roger Moore (jockey). Even with a former James Bond riding him, this bloke’s no hope. And his trainer has a knighthood. As if..

2/ Criterion – Michael Walker. Genuine chance. Trainer David Hayes has his mojo back, and Walker can ride. Classy, but a query on whether he’ll see out the 3200 metres.

3/ Fame Game – Zac Purton. The favourite. And Purton is a gun. The Japanese say he can’t be beaten. At least I think that’s what they said. Over-rated for mine. And needs a bone-dry track. Leave me out.

4/ Our Ivanhowe – Ben Melham. Named after the mighty Ivanhoes footy club in Cairns. Which is a surprise given he’s from Germany. Trainer Freedman knows how to win a Cup. Top Six chance.

5/ Big Orange – David ‘Luttsy’ Lutteral. Named in honour of our great redheads. The horse carrying the hopes of all ginger-tops. They actually had to change the rules to allow a ranga to have a ride in the great race. Luttsy will give his all .. but the horse will still be running after dark.

6/ Hartnell – James McDonald. Not doing enough, even with the services of our most improved jockey. Pass.

7/ Hokko Brave – Craig Williams. The second of the Japanese raiders. Forget his Caulfield Cup run. Tell your mates he’s a better chance than the favourite, and glow in their praise when he rockets home into the placings.

8/ Max Dynamite – Frankie Dettori or Rod Stewart. There are three things the Irish are passionate about. Guinness and racing. This bloke can spring a huge shock, especially if it’s wet.

9/ Red Cadeaux – Paul Hogan. Hoges has been given the ride in honour of the horse being named Australian of the Year. He won’t win, but cheer him anyway.

10/ Trip to Paris – Tommy Berry. The winner. Get on and get on for plenty. The more you put on the more you get back.

#Hoofnote – the star of the movie Racing Stripes was a zebra. And he won the Kentucky Derby. And the stable flies could talk. Very, very cool.

11/ Who Shot Thebarman – Blake Shinn. Ran third last year. Johnny Cash sang a song about him. Or Waylon Jennings. Anyway .. trainer Chris Waller is winning everything except the RSL raffle .. so watch this fella.

12/ Sky Hunter – Bill Shorten. The Opposition Leader will do anything for a lift in the polls. They could start an hour early and still not run in the first ten.

13/ The Offer – Damien Oliver. One of Gai’s hopes. Top trainer. Top jockey. Might not be good enough, but the dynamic duo will give him every chance.

14/ Grand Marshal – Jim Cassidy. The ‘Pumper’s’ last Cup ride. Sadly it won’t be a winning one.

#Hoofnote – I shed a tear in the movie Phar Lap. Several times. When he died, and when he was beaten early and they lost their cash. Gents, if you’re trying to impress the ladieeez at your Cup function today, feel free to borrow that line.

15/ Preferment – Hugh Bowman. Huge chance. The best of the locals, with the Cox Plate-winning jockey. Include him in anything you do.

16/ Quest for More – Damian Lane. If he wins I will give each and every one of you a glass of champagne. (Publisher’s note – see above).

17/ Almoonquith – Dwayne Dunn. Should be penalised for having a silly name.

18/ Kingfisher – Bronwyn Bishop. She asked stewards if she could use the chopper to tow him along. Even then would struggle.

19/ Prince of Penzance – Andrew O’Keefe. Instead of wearing silks he’ll be in the pirate costume.

20/ Bondi Beach – Brett Prebble. He’ll be riding topless in honour of the backpackers who’ll be cheering him.

21/ Sertorius – Craig Newitt. The horse ran against Phar Lap back in the 1930s. Stewards have given permission for him to run with the aid of a walker.

22/ The United States – Barack Obama. A lightweight threat. Include him in your multiple bets.

#Hoofnote – Just after the start of the Cup, you’ll see the field pass the winning post, before the horses do another lap. You are required to cheer loudly when this happens, and pretend that your horse just won. Hilarious trick, especially at an expensive function.

23/ Excess Knowledge – Kerrin McEvoy. Another of Gai’s runners. Scraped into the field with a win last Saturday. Not for us.

24/ Gust of Wind – Mark Latham. Now there’s an omen bet if ever there was one. You’ll hear him belly-aching before they hit the straight.

So there you have it. Winners .. horses to avoid .. and conversation gold. Share this with your friends. Unless they happen to be lawyers. Happy Cup Day!

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It’s back! The ultimate Cup guide. Who won’t win, and is Warwick Capper really a jockey?

November 5, 2012

So here we go again. Last year’s guide to our greatest race was such a hit, you’ve demanded a repeat. You really need a hobby.

Remember my tip last year? No? Good. Surely we can’t have such bad luck again.

Our team of researchers went through a box of cool drinks to help you sound like an expert on Cup day.

If you’re named below, apologies. If you’re my lawyer, stay close to the phone.

Dunaden – Craig Williams. Has won everything bar Big Brother. That run of luck is about to end. The French horse will think Williams has been replaced by Santa Claus he’s carrying so much weight.

Americain – Damien Oliver – Won’t win. This French favourite isn’t getting better with age. The booking of Oliver is a plus, as opposed to last year’s jockey, Mister Magoo.

Jakkalberry – a bloke named Colm you’ve never heard of. One of those international types with no chance. Couldn’t beat me up the straight. Aren’t you glad we invite them here?

Red Cadeaux – Michael Rodd. The winner. Do you have a tin of cash hidden in the backyard? Dig it up, shake the dirt off, and head straight to the TAB. You can pass on my ten per cent later.

Winchester – Jamie Mott. A slow American horse who’ll still be running when they start the presentation. Out of a mare called Rum Charger. What a shame.

Voila Ici – Vlad Duric. A visitor from Italy now trained here, who couldn’t win if they gave him a lap head start.

Cavalryman – Frankie Dettori. Why did they bother bringing him? Frankie obviously wanted a holiday. He’ll have plenty of time to check out the sights before, during and after the race.

Mount Athos – Ryan Moore. A big danger. Plenty of good judges have already backed this bloke. A prolific winner in Europe, still on the improve. If you’re running the sweep, slip this one into your back pocket.

Sanagas – Nick Hall. Another American, now trained by Bart. Cummings, not Simpson. Unless the great man is permitted to strap NASA-style rockets to his tail, there’ll be no 13th Cup win.

Ethiopia – Rhys McLeod. A decent run in the Cox Plate. Which is lucky for connections, because it will be the only thrill they’ll receive this carnival.

Fiorente – James McDonald. An English horse now with Gai. I’m sure I heard her say he could be the greatest horse ever to be saddled. Or something similar. Actually, that could have been any one of her horses. Will over-achieve if he finishes top twenty.

Galileo’s Choice – Pat Smullen. My best roughie. Dermot Weld has been aiming at the Cup for twelve months. The canny Irishman and his camp have been playing their chances down since they arrived. That should set alarm bells ringing. Big chance at even bigger odds.

Glencadam Gold – Tommy Berry. Another one from Gai. Likely leader. If they give a ribbon for the horse in front after 1600 metres, he might be successful. That also makes him a distinct chance of running last.

Green Moon – Brett Prebble. Failed in the Cox Plate. Injured, and blowing out with the bookies. Nothing like confidence.

Maluckyday – Jim Cassidy. Runner up two years ago. Not many ride the two miles better than the Pumper. A chance to be the top Aussie home. There should be a prize for that.

Mourayan – Hugh Bowman. Terrible luck last year, because some idiot who writes smart-arse Cup guides tipped him. Of course, he was scratched hours later. I’ll never live that down. Good luck to all concerned this year.

My Quest for Peace – Corey Brown. The only horse to sing before the Queen. And did a tap dance at the opening ceremony for the London Olympics. In horse-shoes. Only has to repeat that here and could figure in the finish.

Niwot – Warwick Capper. Interesting choice of jockey. Keep an eye out for what he’s wearing during the National Anthem.

Tac de Boistron – who cares. The name means ‘French Arrogance’ in English. As in, let’s send any old plodder to take on those bums down under.

Lights of Heaven – Luke Nolen. My Caulfield Cup tip, and what a race she ran. I’d be happy for her to win this, so I could see Peter Moody drinking XXXX Gold during the Cup handover.

Precedence – Jim Pike. Not many people know that Bart actually ran this horse in the 1958 Melbourne Cup. Great that’s he’s still with us, and has all his original teeth.

Unusual Suspect – one of the scientists from Beauty and the Geek. If you get this one in a sweep, rip it up on the spot. At least those around you will think you know something about racing.

Zabeelionaire – Donald Trump. Are we finished yet? I’m running out of paper.

Kelinni – Glen Boss. The best jockey in the field. Sadly, he’s not on a horse to match. No Makybe Diva moments coming this year for Bossy.

So there we have it. Feel free to share this with friends, and people you want to annoy.

Remember, gamble responsibly. Meaning, if my tips win, you have a responsibility to give me money. Good luck to us all.